Sounds familiar?
You’re not alone. According to the online therapy platform BetterHealth, everyone lacks confidence from time to time.[1] It’s not your fault either. Many factors contribute to losing confidence. An article in Psychology Today points to everything from genetic makeup to life experiences to media messages as reasons why we may be losing confidence.[2]
So what can we do when we are losing confidence? The answer is a lot.”
Below are four simple steps that have quickly restored confidence in the people I coach, and I know will help you do the same.
Step 1: Find out the root cause
Knowing why you’re losing confidence is key to reversing that downward spiral and not only regaining your confidence but building it in the process.
So take the time to become aware of your surroundings, your thoughts, your behaviors, and your relationships so you can identify negative influences that need to be addressed.
For example:
- Are you comparing yourself to other people’s “featured reels” on social media? Does doing that boost your confidence or does it do the opposite?
- Are you putting unrealistic expectations on yourself? Do you feel like you have to be “perfect” or that you have to “know it all” from the start? Are those “unreachables” part of the problem with your loss of confidence?
- Do you feel your age? Whether you’re in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, or older, every stage of life brings with it new experiences, and sometimes having to learn something new makes us lose confidence in who we thought we were.
- Do the people in your life, your so-called “friends,” your bosses, colleagues, or even loved ones, disrespect you to the point of beating you and your self-confidence?
Asking yourself these questions and getting answers will help you begin to break free from whoever and whatever is dragging you down.
Step 2: Remember who you are
I know. This sounds too simple or a bit daunting and maybe even scary. But I promise you, everyone I’ve coached has found it empowering.
This is simply taking inventory of yourself. So, take out a sheet of paper. Write down the years you have been alive.
You can start at any age and focus on individual or group years in five or ten-year increments. It doesn’t matter how you do this. It only matters that you are real with yourself when you do it.
Human beings tend to remember and reflect more on the negative aspects of life: past traumas, unfavorable experiences, perceived failures.[3] So for this exercise, you’ll want to force yourself to write down the things he’s done in the past that got him to where he is today.
No moment is too small. No judgments and no cherry-picking. Just write it all down.
For example, when you were 11 months old, did you take your first steps? In what year did you say your first word? When did you learn to ride a bike? Were you 16 years old when you got your driver’s license? Did you learn your computer skills on a PC or a Mac? When was your first crush or kiss? Have you ever been responsible for a furry baby or feathered friend? When was the first time you got on a plane? How old were you when you cashed your first paycheck? What did you do in the past that you never thought you would be able to do?
Do you see how when we objectively review all the things we’ve done (and been successful at), many of which we had no idea how to do at first, we begin to realize how capable we are?
It’s not that we haven’t made mistakes or fallen while trying and learning. Most likely we did. The point is that we moved forward and that nothing, neither the good nor the bad, lasted forever.
By doing this exercise, we begin to see ourselves more clearly and increase our self-confidence. We also started to gain perspective in hindsight, often having those lightbulb moments of how an event that didn’t go as planned became the catalyst for a moment that was bigger and better than I could have anticipated.
Then we take this to the next level and come out of ourselves. So write a short social media post or craft a simple text message asking the other people in your life to share two or three qualities that come to mind when they think of you.
Don’t be shy about it, and don’t be afraid of what they might say. I promise that the answers you get will positively surprise you.
We’re all our own worst enemies, but that doesn’t mean we can’t learn to be friends with who we are (and who those voices of insecurity and judgment in our heads have convinced us we can be).
Step 3 – Strike a Pose
Madonna fans may have uttered the word “Vogue” and, yes, that’s part of what I’m talking about here. If you’ve never read the lyrics to Madonna’s 1990 hit of that title, I encourage you to do so.
That song is about getting on the dance floor when you don’t feel good enough inside. The lyrics speak to anyone losing confidence and suggest how throughout history, icons with attitude just went out and did their thing, and so can you.
You do not believe me? Don’t you think it can be so simple? You don’t know or you don’t like to dance?
I hear you. But before you dismiss this step, consider this example of what started me on the path to striking my pose whenever I felt like I was losing confidence and needed a boost.
I was a young corporate executive struggling to keep my head above water during a particularly difficult time of merging with another team. My paths crossed with an older and wiser celebrity moments before I was faced with a boardroom full of decision-makers about my fate.
This graceful lady shared with me her secret on how she was able to exude confidence even in her most feared moments.
Ready for it?
In the elevator, hallway, or bathroom you visit on your way to whatever has shaken your faith in yourself and your abilities, you strike what she told me was called “the Wonder Woman pose” (it works no matter what). as you feel). -identify).
Simply put, you stand up straight, take up a little space, put a hand on each hip, chin tilted up, breathe, and be present. Hold this pose for a few minutes. It’s one of social psychologist Amy Cuddy’s power poses.
